joemac
08-25-2008, 07:47 AM
A man went to see his doctor. he says to the Doc, "I have a delicate problem, but I'm very shy and embarrassed so I sincerely hope you won't laugh at me." The doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then" Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest piece of personal equipment the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than an AA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Five minutes later he was able to struggle to is feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so very sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied!
*****************************************
Swedish, Irish and Scots couples go out for a day on the golf course
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Olaf demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." his wife replies.
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies either.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers on. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Go tidy yerself up a bit.
*****************************************
Hung Lo calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Lo, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Lo calls again.
"I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon"........
"You got nice house Boss."
*****************************************
A young Kiwi bloke moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Auckland."
The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Kiwi said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
£124,237.64
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell?"
"Well, first I sold the customer a small fish-hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me......a guy came in here to buy a fish-hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no.......he came in here to buy a box of female perquisites for his lady friend and I said.........
"Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
*****************************************
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary,
"I would like to join this damn Church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir, I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn Church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the Pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The Pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that abusive language.
They both return to her office and the Pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn Church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the Pastor. "And is this @*%#@! cow giving you a hard time?"
"Okay then" Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest piece of personal equipment the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than an AA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Five minutes later he was able to struggle to is feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so very sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied!
*****************************************
Swedish, Irish and Scots couples go out for a day on the golf course
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Olaf demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." his wife replies.
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies either.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers on. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Go tidy yerself up a bit.
*****************************************
Hung Lo calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Lo, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Lo calls again.
"I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon"........
"You got nice house Boss."
*****************************************
A young Kiwi bloke moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Auckland."
The manager liked the Kiwi so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Kiwi said "One!"
The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
£124,237.64
The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell?"
"Well, first I sold the customer a small fish-hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me......a guy came in here to buy a fish-hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No no no.......he came in here to buy a box of female perquisites for his lady friend and I said.........
"Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."
*****************************************
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary,
"I would like to join this damn Church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir, I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn Church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this Church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the Pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The Pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that abusive language.
They both return to her office and the Pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn Church to get rid of some of this damn money. "
"I see," said the Pastor. "And is this @*%#@! cow giving you a hard time?"