joemac
09-01-2008, 12:09 PM
Mick appeared on the Irish version of 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and was nearly at the end of the quiz with winnings of £500,000.
'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, 'and to win the £1 million, you've only got to answer one last question. Everything is riding on this question .... will you have a go? Remember you still have one lifeline left - phone a friend.'
'Sure an' all,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'OK. The question is: Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' (a) Robin (b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush.'
'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon. He don't know much about birds but he's me last hope.
Ths host called up his mate, told him the circumstances and Mick repeated the question to him.
'Soddin' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple ...... it's a Cuckoo.'
'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.
'I'm soddin sure Mick.'
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer.'
'Is that your final answer? Lock it in?' asked the host.
'Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in..'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.. 'Tell me, Paddy - how in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know booger-all about birds.'
'Ah bejaysus!' laughed Paddy. 'Everybody knows a soddin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!'
****************************************
Elvis Has Left The Building.....
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Frail.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba --- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
And my favorite:
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
****************************************
REAL LIFE RESUMES
These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in "Fortune" Magazine:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
6. "Failed Bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a Meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try Stock Brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
****************************************
This is why you must always tell the truth:
A 9 year-old asked her mother the age-old question,"How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?"
"No wonder everyone's so damn cranky around here."
****************************************
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
It's funny, when they bend over you hear bottom noises and they blame the smell on their dog."
'You've done very well so far,' said the show's presenter, 'and to win the £1 million, you've only got to answer one last question. Everything is riding on this question .... will you have a go? Remember you still have one lifeline left - phone a friend.'
'Sure an' all,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'OK. The question is: Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?' (a) Robin (b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush.'
'I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Ballygoon. He don't know much about birds but he's me last hope.
Ths host called up his mate, told him the circumstances and Mick repeated the question to him.
'Soddin' hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple ...... it's a Cuckoo.'
'Are you sure, Paddy?' asked Mick.
'I'm soddin sure Mick.'
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, 'I'll go with da Cuckoo as my answer.'
'Is that your final answer? Lock it in?' asked the host.
'Dat it is, Sir. Lock it in..'
There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.. 'Tell me, Paddy - how in God's name did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean, you know booger-all about birds.'
'Ah bejaysus!' laughed Paddy. 'Everybody knows a soddin' Cuckoo lives in a clock!'
****************************************
Elvis Has Left The Building.....
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Frail.
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba --- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
And my favorite:
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
****************************************
REAL LIFE RESUMES
These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in "Fortune" Magazine:
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
6. "Failed Bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
10. "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a Meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try Stock Brokerage."
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."
21. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."
****************************************
This is why you must always tell the truth:
A 9 year-old asked her mother the age-old question,"How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?"
"No wonder everyone's so damn cranky around here."
****************************************
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colour of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
It's funny, when they bend over you hear bottom noises and they blame the smell on their dog."