ozwheels
11-07-2010, 11:41 PM
I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Why do divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
Why do women make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A little boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a well dressed woman on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and the wife?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 20 years!
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Why do divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why women like Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
Why do women make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
A little boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a well dressed woman on the street and said,
"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and the wife?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.