Chuck Norris Facts

[Shayne]

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.


In 1993 interview with Barbara Walters, Chuck Norris admitted to once punching a hurricane in the face. Walters retorted, "Hurricanes have eyes, but don't, in fact, have faces," to which Norris replied, "Watch your mouth, Hurricane Walters."

Chuck Norris had 98 kills in Vietnam and he wasn't even there.


To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.


Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

[Poison]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


There is some funny shit in there.


Are we going to start the Chuck thing and try get rid of the Hoff??

[Shayne]

When Chuck Norris has sex with the Hoff, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women


or


Chuck Norris can make the Hoff climax by simply pointing athim and saying "booya".

[Poison]

HAHAHAHA


Where are you getting this shit.

[Shayne]

Chuck Norris doesnt step on toes, he steps on necks.
http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php

[Adam]

When the boogeyman goes tosleep every night he checks his closet for chuck norris.





According to Einstein's theory of reletivity, chuck norris can actually round house kick you yesterday.





If chuck norris is late, then time better slow the fuck down





A man compared chuck norris to Jean claud vandam once. once.





Chuck norris does not take a bit out of crime, he swallows crime whole and demands seconds.Edited by: Adam

[Adam]

"The IncredibleHulk" is the nick name for chuck norris's package.





Contrary to popular belief, superman is not just weak against kryptonite. His other weakness is ckuck norris.





Chuck norris's favoritecolour is cold blood.





You know sometimes you kinda feel depressed but you don't know why? thats because chuck norris is asleep.





Chuck norris infact has a house that is round.





You lose one year of your total life expectancy everytime you look at the image of chuck norris.





Chuck norris is the love child of Willie Nelson and a mystical ninja mummy.

[Poison]

And here's the Man Himself..

http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forum/Uploads/Poison/2005-12-22_083549_B000063WJV.03.LZZZZZZZ.jpg

http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forum/Uploads/Poison/2005-12-22_083608_chucktv.jpg


http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forum/Uploads/Poison/2005-12-22_083632_2567.jpg

[Shayne]

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.


Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.


When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

[Shayne]

Some Mr T facts.


Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.


It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.


Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.


Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle.


The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.


Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.


Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is
around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him


Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.


Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity


23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.


Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

[TiGeR]

Geez boys NEARLY wet myself reading those!

[biffon]

i swear there is a guy in the call centre here that looks like chuck norris - i'll try get his picture... haha


he shaved his beard off recently but you can still see the resemblance

[Shayne]

A few more i found today.
Chuck's testicles have their own beard.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity to the Brady Bunch, twice.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger
Chuck Norris pees standing up, unlike Steven Segal
Chuck Norris can punch faster than the speed of light. Every time he hits someone his hands actually go back in time. His fists are only 23 years old.
In space, Chuck Norris can hear you scream.
Chuck Norris once went to jail. The morning after his first night all the inmates, all the guards, and the warden had bleeding assholes.
Chuck Norris has slept with 347 women; yet only 2 have lived to tell about it. Needless to say, it was the best sex of their lives.
Chuck Norris has a dick so big his wife had to have her jaw surgically unhinged to give him a blow-job. Tragically, when Chuck came, she drowned.

[biffon]

Chuck norris can't sleep without a session of roundhouse kicks


The black plague was the result of Chuck Norrissneezing on Europe


Chuck norris doesnt shave he kicks himself in the face


Chuck Norrisinvented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way into the world


Chuck norris does not appreciate long chuck norris facts

[biffon]

i found this one enlightening





When Chuck Norris meets people he does not like, but aren't worth roundhouse kicking, he points to the north while giving them an evil look. These people are known as Canadians

[biffon]

http://www.break.com/index/snlchuck.html

almost as funny as the hoff video - probably even more cheezy though

[sally]

that was classic, but i still think the hoff vid is better, the hoff was trying to be a serious singer with a serious song, and that is what made it so funny!! The hoff all the way, hugga chukka!!!

[Poison]

I agree with Sal there. The Hoff vid is still better..:059:
What's with these people creating all these weird and wonderful videos don't they have better things to do?:smiley22:

[TiGeR]

Newton's fourth law of physics: Don't f*ck with Chuck Norris.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the
sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the
grass and dares it to grow.

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal
words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil
Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the
moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass",
Chuck replied.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He
pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a
birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the
truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's probably Chuck Norris.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy
boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to
65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0
to 125.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris always has s*x on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a
spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the
earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a
temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it
was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out solved.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt
off. Loch Ness sightings, on the other hand, are Chuck with his pants
off.

One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick
Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized
profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an
autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded
baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but
himself.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,
jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all
three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people
was just too easy.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris
open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and
angrier.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell them
there was a stripper in it.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and
tears.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a
Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a
green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris lost his v*rginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned
an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing
only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the
courage to tell him.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*ck down.

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

While riding the elevator, Chuck Norris never pushes the button, the
elevator better just know what floor Chuck Norris needs to be on.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.
Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

[biffon]

im in tears....

[TiGeR]

http://www.women24.com/W24/Images/welove_hdr_pink.gifThe Chuck (http://www.chucknorris.com/)
http://www.women24.com/Woman/Content_Display/E-Cards/DisplayImageBlob/0,,40087,00.jpg (http://www.chucknorris.com/)
He's just way better than the Hoff. In fact, he's just way better than everything.

[sally]

The Hoff rules!!!

[TiGeR]

Billboard on the N1/N3 North:

CHUCK drives an ISUZU

:smiley36:

The Hoff has a long lost pornstar, musician brother here in SA..... his name is Steve HassleHofmeyer...

[Shayne]

Billboard on the N1/N3 North:

CHUCK drives an ISUZU

:smiley36:

The Hoff has a long lost pornstar, musician brother here in SA..... his name is Steve HassleHofmeyer...

LOL! Chuck is the man!

[biffon]

Hasslehoffmeyer - eish boeremusiek will never be the same again!!

[TiGeR]

Chuck Norris invented C++ after roundhouse kicking C - TWICE
Chuck Norris is the Domain controller
Chuck Norris has the IP 0.0.0.0 (https://webmail.telkom.co.za/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://0.0.0.0/)
Chuck Norris is mailer-daemon
Chuck Norris is Dr Watson
format c: is the request to have Chuck Norris come roundhouse kick your PC
Chuck Norris has Windows XP on his Apple MAC
Chuck Norris never gets the page cannot be displayed error
Machine code is another name for Chuck Norris language
Chuck Norris CPU doesn't have a fan
Chuck Norris can write DVDs on floppy drive
Chuck Norris invented the internet
Chuck Norris can paste pics in Notepad
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his 14400k modem & that's how we got ADSL /HSDPA
Chuck Norris's Dot matrix printer prints photos - in colour
Chuck Norris uses Notepad for a database
Chuck Norris' PC speaker gives him 7.1 DTS surround sound
Chuck Norris monitor has no glare... no-one glares at Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can edit PDF files
Chuck Norris rips CDs with his hands
Chuck Norris can download Metallica mp3s using Naspter
Chuck Norris has a yahoo account with hotmail
Chuck Norris has an Intel CPU on an AMD motherboard
Chuck Norris has to chain his mouse to his desktop
Chuck Norris can program a MAC with excel macros
Chuck Norris website has never had a hit - Nobody hits Chuck Norris' website
Chuck Norris never forgets to send the attachments with his outgoing emails.
:smiley36:

[TiGeR]

If your


mother

in law

is a

problem!!!!









http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/Forums/cid:image001.gif@01C65EC7.D03E1430
Call on Chuck Norris

[FerrariSucks]

http://gorillamask.net/cnbest.shtml

Chuck telling Chuck jokes

[biffon]

i found this on another website i was gonna post the link but saw you had dont it already
!hehehe that had me giggling like a school girl!! haha great stuff:smiley36: :smiley36: :smiley17: :smiley20: :smiley20:

[RustyBear]

chuck norris is a hero

[TiGeR]

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

· Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch; HE decides what time it is.

· There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

· Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

· Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

· Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

· Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

· Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

· Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

· As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and Chuck Norris."

· Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

· When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

· Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

· Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

· Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

· Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

· Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

· When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

· Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

· Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

· Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

· Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.

· Chuck Norris isn't afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.

· When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

[biffon]

i previously mentioned that we had a guy working for us that looked like chuck norris

this is his Movember pic check it out! haha :smiley20: :smiley20:

[Raevoyn]

Brilliant!!!!

[Shayne]

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris puts his feet into Hulk Hogan and Macho Man's arses and wears them as slippers.

[nightape]

He's da man! I love ol' chucky