legend
11-09-2006, 07:56 AM
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing
Once I was walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know
Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings . . . Boy With Pail . . . Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators
I have a microwave fireplace in my house . . . The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone--it had no number 5 on it.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . My calendar has no sevens on it."
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing
Once I was walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know
Four years ago . . . No, it was yesterday. Today I . . . No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I . . . No, I don't.
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings . . . Boy With Pail . . . Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators
I have a microwave fireplace in my house . . . The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone--it had no number 5 on it.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . My calendar has no sevens on it."
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I was born by Cesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.