Greenballs
02-18-2006, 05:28 AM
You're going to enjoy this! It's brilliantly written and I think this
> guy should be knighted, whoever he is!!! More drivers need to fight the
> scourge of the lawless taxi drivers. The author deserves an award for
> this! His name calling talent is truly inspiring and we have all been a
> party to the experience............
>
>
> This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and
> highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first
> farts of the sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and
> even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men
> could rise to view the possible prospects of "before work" swims.
>
> Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise,
> tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of
> pre-Duzi training in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow
> and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi cha mpion, for those of you not in
> the intellectual canoe mix) next time around.
>
> Anyway, the details of my incredible canoe talent are not up for
> discussion here, but rather what happened on my drive home after the
> session, in rush hour traffic and, in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue
> near to the Old Parktonian Sports Club around 8am. I was happily
> chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in pretty much
> bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster; it was
> simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with
> an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the
> membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature
> without a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes
> mosquitoes, stones, anvils and......taxi drivers.
>
> Yep,enter Sipho "I'm a dickhead without a brain cell" Ndlovo, driver of
> a Toyota Hi-Ace with 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights, half a steering
> wheel, about 30 people inside and 3 masking-taped windows, standard
> issue for a South African taxi driver.
>
> He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last
> month with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having
> had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy. The
> rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a
> taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes
> (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal).
>
> Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for him
> so started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of his
> window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ring piece.
>
> I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5
> cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid
> the accident that he was trying his damnest to cause. After he narrowly
> missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me I made a stubborn
> little vow that he definitely wouldn't be cutting in front of me like
> that, and so began the fun and games.
>
> The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of intimidation, just
> gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd better slow down and let
> me in, or I'll crash into you" method. Well, I used the typical "F_ck
> you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the other
> pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator, until
> he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran
> straight over him.
>
> This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back to
> my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well acquired
> driving skill to the test and adopted the smartest technique of them
> all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one that
> sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely
> death of one of our awesome mates a year ago.
>
> This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra with a red hot
> cactus lodged up its rectum. No skin off the f_cking taxi drivers nose,
> he just accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in
> front of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle
> finger accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to
> beat him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly
> with a pen all those years ago!
>
> Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the
> proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Ndhlovo in so
> the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to
> outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist the
> emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to
> mark its ending.
>
> More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd passengers were
> all trying their damnest to "intimidate by staring" myself and the
> double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something that most
> brain-owners do when driving.
>
> I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they
> hit!!
> Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped
> their heads on the roof of the Hi-Ace in poetic unison, adding an extra
> 31 dents to the already-f_cked minibus, and the two front wheels were
> ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt.
>
> Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic
> thing to witness. Sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the
> window,was also unscathed. However, his car was more f_cked than that
> prostitute at PE harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat
> down-trodden.
>
> I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super
> smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy,
> looked in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the
> same!
>
> The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was
> happier than the Proteas when they beat the Aussies, or at least as
> happy!!
>
> So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining,
> it's Friday, I've done my training. There will be a lot of thirst
> quenched this weekend, and Sipho, Faeces-face Ndlovo is one mini-bus
> short of a taxi!
>
> Now that is justice....!
> guy should be knighted, whoever he is!!! More drivers need to fight the
> scourge of the lawless taxi drivers. The author deserves an award for
> this! His name calling talent is truly inspiring and we have all been a
> party to the experience............
>
>
> This morning, yours truly, decided to sneak in a pinch of top-secret and
> highly professional canoe training at Emmerentia dam, before the first
> farts of the sparrows could escape their imprisoning sphincters, and
> even before the glories-of-mornings of most non-gay South African men
> could rise to view the possible prospects of "before work" swims.
>
> Yep, I was up and onto that little patch of water before sunrise,
> tearing around it at record-breaking pace, sneaking in a wee bit of
> pre-Duzi training in order to wrestle the crown away from the well slow
> and soft Martin Dreyer (present Duzi cha mpion, for those of you not in
> the intellectual canoe mix) next time around.
>
> Anyway, the details of my incredible canoe talent are not up for
> discussion here, but rather what happened on my drive home after the
> session, in rush hour traffic and, in particular, on Jan Smuts Avenue
> near to the Old Parktonian Sports Club around 8am. I was happily
> chilling in my car, cruising along at about 60kph, in pretty much
> bumper-to-bumper traffic, with nobody going anywhere any faster; it was
> simply not an option. Well, not an option for anyone with a brain, with
> an ounce of logic within their crania, with a drop of sense inside the
> membranes of their cerebral hemispheres. You'd think that a creature
> without a brain would equate to a fly or less, a category that includes
> mosquitoes, stones, anvils and......taxi drivers.
>
> Yep,enter Sipho "I'm a dickhead without a brain cell" Ndlovo, driver of
> a Toyota Hi-Ace with 4 wheels, 1 brake pad, no lights, half a steering
> wheel, about 30 people inside and 3 masking-taped windows, standard
> issue for a South African taxi driver.
>
> He had more than likely participated in the demonstration march last
> month with hundreds of other taxi driver idiots protesting about having
> had their 'vehicles' impounded for not being roadworthy. The
> rocket-scientists couldn't understand what wasn't roadworthy about a
> taxi with a bobejaan spanner for a steering wheel, or one without brakes
> (they reckon a handbrake is just as good as the foot brake pedal).
>
> Anyway, my mate Sipho decided things weren't flowing fast enough for him
> so started weaving in and out of the traffic, arm hanging out of his
> window like a baboon's tail hanging from its ring piece.
>
> I heard this aeronautical engineer-like taxi driver coming from about 5
> cars back, because everyone was hooting and slamming on brakes to avoid
> the accident that he was trying his damnest to cause. After he narrowly
> missed the back of my canoe as he swerved in behind me I made a stubborn
> little vow that he definitely wouldn't be cutting in front of me like
> that, and so began the fun and games.
>
> The bum-wart first tried the standard tactic of intimidation, just
> gradually cutting me off, in the typical "you'd better slow down and let
> me in, or I'll crash into you" method. Well, I used the typical "F_ck
> you faeces-brain" tactic, with one hand on the hooter, the other
> pointing straight at him, with my foot firmly on the accelerator, until
> he backed down like Mike Catt had done in 1995 when Jonah Lomu ran
> straight over him.
>
> This had a snowball effect, which had me chuckling the whole way back to
> my humble abode. Syphilis-face then decided to put all his well acquired
> driving skill to the test and adopted the smartest technique of them
> all, the "Eish, I weel ovah-take on the wrong side" method, one that
> sadly has caused numerous accidents in the past, including the untimely
> death of one of our awesome mates a year ago.
>
> This made old Maccatini madder than a spitting cobra with a red hot
> cactus lodged up its rectum. No skin off the f_cking taxi drivers nose,
> he just accelerated more, and tried to cut in front of the double-cab in
> front of me, this after he had hooted at me and showed me a middle
> finger accompanied with a few swearwords, something that made me want to
> beat him harder than Campbell hit the gay boy who stabbed him repeatedly
> with a pen all those years ago!
>
> Well, the fella in front of me had obviously also been observing the
> proceedings, and likewise refused to let Sipho Dickdribble Ndhlovo in so
> the acceleration by the monkey continued, while he tried his hardest to
> outstare the double-cab driver. Sadly for the nuclear physicist the
> emergency lane was shortly going to end, with a solid stone pavement to
> mark its ending.
>
> More sadly for him was the fact that he, and his 30-odd passengers were
> all trying their damnest to "intimidate by staring" myself and the
> double-cab man, instead of watching the road ahead something that most
> brain-owners do when driving.
>
> I saw it coming, and was smiling my full-tusk smile even before they
> hit!!
> Anal-bum-wart hit that pavement at about 70kph, 31 passengers bumped
> their heads on the roof of the Hi-Ace in poetic unison, adding an extra
> 31 dents to the already-f_cked minibus, and the two front wheels were
> ripped off the chassis as the bus slid to a delightful halt.
>
> Thankfully no passengers were hurt, which made it the most fantastic
> thing to witness. Sadly though, Sipho, arm still hanging out of the
> window,was also unscathed. However, his car was more f_cked than that
> prostitute at PE harbour named Deloris, and his mood was somewhat
> down-trodden.
>
> I hooted and made sure he got the full-frontal of my biggest-ever super
> smile, as did the driver of the double-cab, and then to my absolute joy,
> looked in my mirror to see every driver behind me doing exactly the
> same!
>
> The brain-cell-lacker had received his well-earned treatment! I was
> happier than the Proteas when they beat the Aussies, or at least as
> happy!!
>
> So folks, what a peachy morning it has been so far. The sun is shining,
> it's Friday, I've done my training. There will be a lot of thirst
> quenched this weekend, and Sipho, Faeces-face Ndlovo is one mini-bus
> short of a taxi!
>
> Now that is justice....!