Funny adult jokes - moderated of course!

[biffon]

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed,

when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her

husband said. " I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin.

You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!

:smiley36: :smiley36: :smiley36: :smiley36: :smiley36:

[biffon]

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other

day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it

turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red mark on his

forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

[biffon]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At

the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when

they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint

moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive.

She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is

again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall

bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband

cries out, "Watch the f*cking wall!""

[biffon]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up

on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for

Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie

comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she

fakes it with Ken."

[biffon]

Secrets to a Happy Marriage

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have s*x.

and MOST important....

4. It is important that these three women never meet
:D :D :D

[biffon]

Most married couples mainly argue about two things, s*x and money.
So
agree the price before you start.!!

[biffon]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's

pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks:

"Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat

bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"

[biffon]

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed

by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my

Talking Clock", the man replied. "How does it work?", asked the guest.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with

an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall

screamed, "For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"

[biffon]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they

made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well,

after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night,

while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she

turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated

pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a "real one".

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at

him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain

yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain

the toy... you explain the kids."

[biffon]

Subject: A Recent Survey!

A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman finds

attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is likely to be attracted to men

with rugged and masculine features.

And if she is menstruating, she is likely to prefer a man doused in petrol

and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple and a cricket

stump up his ar$e

[biffon]

saved the best for last.....

:D

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day,

he comes across a beautiful Honda Gold Wing with a for sale sign on it. The

bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and

asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is

outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it

from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family

before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first

person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the

middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is

another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,

everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner

and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to

take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over

and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs

her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right

there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her

dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no

one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the

mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which

way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her

dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden

there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his

motorcycle, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts: "All right,

enough already, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"

[Shayne]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[chantillylace]

Just goes to show - men'll settle for anything as long as it gives head!