Sipping Vodka

[biffon]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous. On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the
door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

:smiley36: :smiley36: :smiley36: :smiley36:

[biffon]

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet

The Bear says “If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear”.

The Lion says “If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me”.

Then the Chicken says “Big deal. I only have to cough and the entire planet sh*ts itself”.
:smiley32: :smiley32:

[biffon]

Calling in Sick

A boss wondered why one of his most valued
employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem
with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the
boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice
whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave
a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes,"
whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No,
he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search
team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a
muffled giggle:
"ME."