http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/ zimbabwe, zim, zimbabwe forums, zimbo, zimbabweans online, zimbabweans, sadza, africa, braai, bultong, biltong, zimbabwe schools, kariba, vic falls, victoria falls, en Fri, 18 May 2012 18:36:05 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/baboonchild_images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/ http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18949&goto=newpost Fri, 18 May 2012 05:55:34 GMT _Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Records_ 1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 2. The patient has no... Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Records

1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. The patient refused autopsy.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
]]> General Jokes jiggs http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18949 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18946&goto=newpost Thu, 17 May 2012 23:04:49 GMT This current tournament is going well, the competition is fierce as we near the end of the second round.

Seeing as we've enjoyed this one, does anyone have suggestions for the next one or for future tourneys? ]]> Arcade Nyala http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18946 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18945&goto=newpost Thu, 17 May 2012 18:42:43 GMT Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks, we went upstairs and while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the... Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks, we went upstairs and while we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and said "I hope that's not that fat one from last week". The girl said "What the fuck was that?" I said "It's that bastard memory foam mattress".

--

My wife just came in and said "I don't know if I am coming or going". "I said to her "Judging by the look on your face, you're going 'coz when you're coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

--

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

--

My girlfriend was screaming at me. "Leave!! Get out this house!" she ordered. As I got up to walk out the door she yelled "I hope you die a slow and painful death!" So I turned around and replied "Make up your mind. Do you want me to stay or go?"

--

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

--

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says "Dark in here". The man says "Yes, it is". Boy "I have a golf ball". Man - "That's nice". Boy "Want to buy it?" Man "No, thanks". Boy "My dad's outside". Man "Okay, how much?"

Boy "$250".
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Dark in here". Man "Yes, it is". Boy "I have sand wedge". The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy "How much?" Boy "$750" Man "Sold".

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy "Grab your wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, "I can't - I sold my ball and sand wedge, Dad". The father says, "What?! How much did you sell them for?" Boy "$1,000". The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess".

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says "Dark in here". The priest says "Don't start that shit with me again..."

--

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for a present. "I'd like to be eight again" she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to a theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and huge bag of M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you fucking retard!!"

The moral of the story: even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

--

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game. Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of the Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says "Mr President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And... the fans would love it!" So, Barack shrugs his shoulders and says "If that's what the people want".

He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming - and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right, I would have never believed that!" Then noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what is wrong. The agent replies "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH..."

--

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little broom!" "IMPOSSIBLE!" said the groom broom.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

--

Sally and Harry have been married for 50 years and are being interviewed by a reporter from the local newspaper.

"So Sally" asks the reporter "I know today is your golden wedding anniversary, how old, exactly, are you?" "I am 78 years old" replies Sally proudly. "And I hope I live to be 100". "Well I hope your wish comes true" says the reporter.

The reporter then turned to Harry and asked "And how old are you, Harry?" "I'm also 78 years old" replies Harry "and, please God, I should live to be 101". "But why" asked the reporter "would you want to live one year longer than your wife?"

"Well, to tell you the truth" replies Harry "I would like to have at least one year of peace and quiet".

--
All copied and pasted from www.orsm.net ]]> Adult and Sexist! yeah http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18945 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18942&goto=newpost Wed, 16 May 2012 20:02:04 GMT Does anybody print their own photos at home on one of those special printers that does both A4 & standard photo size (A6/6"x4") ? My wife is rather interested in printing photos at home to send back to Zim so l'm looking for advice on a printer that'll do this with good, shop-developed results. Are HP printers better than Lexmark or Epsom & also taking replacement cartridge price into account? Are there perhaps any recommended websites for such information or advice? Thanks guys. ]]> Technology zimboykie http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18942 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18940&goto=newpost Tue, 15 May 2012 22:58:30 GMT As a grandfather I enjoyed this!! A father, son and grandson went to the country club for a round of golf. As they reached the first tee, a... As a grandfather I enjoyed this!!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for a round of golf. As they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said:
'Look, fellows, I'm a topless dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, bet, swear, tell dirty jokes or do anything that you normally do when you golf together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf & consider myself pretty good at it, so please don't try to coach me.'
With that the guys agreed and invited her to drive first. All eyes were on her as she bent to place her ball on the tee and then hit it ball 270 yards down the middle.
The father said ' Great drive!'
The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde lofted an 8-iron within five feet of the hole & closest to the pin.
The son said, 'You played that perfectly.'
The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having honours, she drove the ball 300 yards on the second hole, right down the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the 3 guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not coaching me today; but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.'
'If any of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour him some wonderful old Scotch, fix him a steak dinner and we'll share a delightful evening.'
The grandson spoke first: 'Aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and said 'You want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hump, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's golf ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'



OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME! ]]> General Jokes ozwheels http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18940 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18937&goto=newpost Tue, 15 May 2012 17:48:43 GMT Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance,... Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0..

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5..0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5..3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

XXX
__________________________________________________ _______
Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1..0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

(PS If this has been posted before I'm sorry but its worth a laugh!) ]]> General Jokes boards http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18937 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18935&goto=newpost Mon, 14 May 2012 07:54:38 GMT One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from... One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
HIS STATEMENT:
'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldiers life, then I have only three things to say;
Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.

I have absolutely no idea how true this is but it gave me a good laugh!!! ]]> Adult and Sexist! ozwheels http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18935 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18933&goto=newpost Sun, 13 May 2012 21:01:51 GMT anyone used them before?

bit wierd booking ur hotel without knowing where ur going to stay if u go on their deals i guess i'll have to let you know what the hotel is like... ]]> The Northern Hemisphere yarrumsg http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18933 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18932&goto=newpost Sun, 13 May 2012 06:08:32 GMT Useful information esp after “Friday Drinks..” Heeheehee! Distinction between Guts and Balls To those of you who are nit-pickers about the... Useful information esp after “Friday Drinks..”
Heeheehee!
Distinction between Guts and Balls
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is
a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about
People having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference
Between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met
By your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, "Are you still
Cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
Perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife
On the butt and having the Balls to say, "You're next, Chubby."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death. ]]> Adult and Sexist! jiggs http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18932 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18931&goto=newpost Sat, 12 May 2012 08:02:09 GMT Remember people it's Mother's Day in Zim tomorrow so all those with Mother's still in die plaateland make sure you give them a call tomorrow to tell them how much you love & miss them! :smiley20: ]]> Events zimboykie http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18931 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18929&goto=newpost Thu, 10 May 2012 21:00:37 GMT surely if the army and the police force (who should be impartial to a ruling or potential ruling party) if they are making threats to never have... surely if the army and the police force (who should be impartial to a ruling or potential ruling party) if they are making threats to never have anyone else in but zanu should then surely not be allowed to vote? seeing as they are meant to be impartial, they can vote as citizens but not as the army therefore if your deployed it's just tough luck.



The MDC condemns the careless and treasonous utterances made by Major
General Martin Chedondo urging members of the defence forces to take part in
politics and support Zanu PF, contrary to the laws of Zimbabwe.

Chedondo made the remarks in Mutoko on Tuesday addressing 3 000 troops from
2 Brigade who are on a training exercise.

His utterances are against the Global Political Agreement (GPA) signed by
President Morgan Tsvangirai, Zanu PF’s Robert Mugabe and Arthur Mutambara in
2008.

Soldiers and other security agents are supposed to be apolitical and their
duty is to protect the people of Zimbabwe and the country.

They must be viewed by the people as partners in development in any
democratic nation.

As a Party, we have always made our position clear that there is need of
security sector realignment before the next elections. The country needs a
professional security team that is able to guarantee the secrecy of the vote
as well as the security of the vote and the voter in the next election.

The people of Zimbabwe need to go into the next election without fear of
reprisal from the State security agents as was witnessed in 2008. During
that period over 500 MDC supporters were killed while thousands others were
maimed; assaulted and displaced by Zanu PF rogues.

Chedondo joins other securocrats in supporting Zanu PF when they are not
supposed to be partisan.

Former Brigadier General, Douglas Nyikayaramba once declared that Mugabe
must rule Zimbabwe forever. The statement, which was an apparent bootlicking
gesture, earned him promotion to Major General ahead of the next elections.

The MDC calls on all peace-loving people of Zimbabwe not to be intimidated
by utterances made by Chedondo and to remain focussed until the fight for
real change and democracy in Zimbabwe has been won.

The people’s struggle for real change: Let’s finish it!!! ]]> News and Headlines yarrumsg http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18929 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18928&goto=newpost Thu, 10 May 2012 20:32:20 GMT A husband and his wife agreed that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a 'phone call' so that the kids will not decode. One day the husband sends his son to tell mum that his dad wants to make a 'phone call'. Mother replies "Tell your dad the network is bad today". Husband replies back "Tell your mother that if there is no network at home, I will go to the 'public phone'". Wife sends the son back "Tell your father that if he goes to the public phone, then then I will open a call centre at home".

--

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple and asks the guide for details. The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations and are still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. "This temple is 2,503 years old" replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this precise figure. "Easy" replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago".

--

I'm not saying I'm gifted or anything. But I signed my own birth certificate...

--

I was on a date when she asked "So what do you do for a living?" "I work in a fudge packing factory" I replied. "Oh I see," she smiled "so you're a fudge packer then?" "I wouldn't say that" I replied. "Oh!" She said, "Why not?" "Cause I'll break your jaw" I replied.

--

What's the difference between a cricket ball and an Aboriginal chick's pussy? If you tried really hard, you could eat a cricket ball.

--

"I've got a boyfriend" is a girl's way of saying fuck off and leave me alone. "I've got a girlfriend" is a guy's way of proposing a threesome.

--

"Doc" says Steve "I want to be castrated". "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind so either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor". "Okay okay" says the doctor "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there" says Steve "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me". "Well" said the patient "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised". "Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"

--

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.

If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

What if it doesn't work?
Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informed the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering - what if things don't work out...? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted: "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer!?"

--

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through".

The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the power went off. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice, that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

--

A new school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the local schools in Soweto. He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.

She says to the class "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question". The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.

He asks "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?" For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually Sipho raises his hand. The Inspector points excitedly to him.

Sipho stands up and says "Sir, I don't know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I am innocent".

The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation. She says "Well, I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".
The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened.

The principal replies "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise every now and then with his teacher and I believe her. If she feels that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education. He relates the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the school.

The Minister sighs heavily and replies "You know I am very busy. I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal. Just get three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother".

--

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk. The head monk said "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years".

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Food cold!" the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?" "Bed Hard!" the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?""I quit!" said the man. "Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

--

A policeman is making his regular patrol when he spots a car parked in an out of the way 'Lovers Lane'. When he carefully approaches the car to get a closer look, he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, he walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The policeman asks "What are you doing?" The young man says "Well, officer I'm reading a magazine".

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat he says "And her, what's she doing"? The young man shrugs "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails".

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night at Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

He asks "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir". "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies "She'll be 16 in 11 minutes..."

--

All copied and pasted from www.orsm.net ]]> Adult and Sexist! yeah http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18928 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18927&goto=newpost Thu, 10 May 2012 04:05:19 GMT http://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/news...ectid=10804810

A Zimbabwean man was killed while trying to rescue his friend from attacking crocodiles in northwest Zimbabwe.

The National Anglers' Union said that Frank Trott, aged in his 70s, died after trying to rescue a friend paddling along the shoreline at Charara fishing camp. His friend survived but sustained wounds to his midsection and buttocks.

Two crocodiles were shot dead by wildlife rangers after last week's attack. Remnants of the victim - including intestines and clothing - were found along the remote shores of Lake Kariba. No other remains were found.

The dead man was dragged away by a giant crocodile after going to assist his friend, said Mike Brennan, head of the fishing group. The friend, aged in his 40s and a fellow farmer with experience in the African wilderness, was treated for his wounds.

Brennan said the two had returned from a day outing Thursday on the lake for dinner and drinks at the fishing camp.

The survivor's wounds suggested he had been wading waist-deep in the lake when the crocodile attacked late in the evening. Trott was seized by a second large crocodile resting in long grass when he raced into the water to answer his friend's cries for help.


The surroundings of Lake Kariba, a man-made hydroelectric dam about 300 kilometres long, are a major leisure resort for fishing, boating and sightseeing for wildlife, the habitat of crocodiles and hippos.

Brennan said a memorial service for Trott is scheduled Friday.

He said it was the second dramatic crocodile attack within the past month.

"Please, everyone be warned to be to be vigilant near the water's edge at all times," he said. "It is dangerous no matter where you are on the lake."

- AP ]]> News and Headlines joemac http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18927 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18925&goto=newpost Wed, 09 May 2012 20:14:00 GMT Anybody know him? *Zimbabwe rescuer dies in crocodile attack on friend at infested Lake Kariba* ... Anybody know him?

Zimbabwe rescuer dies in crocodile attack on friend at infested Lake Kariba



HARARE, Zimbabwe — A Zimbabwean man was killed while trying to rescue his friend from attacking crocodiles in northwest Zimbabwe, a fishing club said Wednesday. The National Anglers’ Union said that Frank Trott, aged in his 70s, died after trying to rescue a friend paddling along the shoreline at Charara fishing camp. His friend survived but sustained wounds to his midsection and buttocks.
Two crocodiles were shot dead by wildlife rangers after last week’s attack. Remnants of the victim — including intestines and clothing — were found along the remote shores of Lake Kariba. No other remains were found.
The dead man was dragged away by a giant crocodile after going to assist his friend, said Mike Brennan, head of the fishing group. The friend, aged in his 40s and a fellow farmer with experience in the African wilderness, was treated for his wounds. Brennan said the two had returned from a day outing Thursday on the lake for dinner and drinks at the fishing camp.
The survivor’s wounds suggested he had been wading waist-deep in the lake when the crocodile attacked late in the evening. Trott was seized by a second large crocodile resting in long grass when he raced into the water to answer his friend’s cries for help.
The surroundings of Lake Kariba, a man-made hydroelectric dam about 300 kilometers (180 miles) long, are a major leisure resort for fishing, boating and sightseeing for wildlife, the habitat of crocodiles and hippos.
Brennan said a memorial service for Trott is scheduled Friday.
He said it was the second dramatic crocodile attack within the past month.
“Please, everyone be warned to be to be vigilant near the water’s edge at all times,” he said. “It is dangerous no matter where you are on the lake.” ]]> News and Headlines zimboykie http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18925 http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18924&goto=newpost Tue, 08 May 2012 21:26:47 GMT Is there a way of searching for people in the members list if you don't know their member's name only their real name? Assuming of course that they have even put their real name in the members profile in the first place.

Cheers ]]> TCB News and Announcements zimboykie http://www.thechiefbaboon.com/forums/showthread.php?t=18924