Its nearly the weekend. Mullah has decided to give it another try and see if we have people taking issues. Who cares where I get the jokes from??? But I enjoy them and I guess some of the other TCBers do to. So that being said.............................................. ..........
Have a wonderful weekend and I hope all your dreams come true. ..... Boards stop dreaming about get some over the weekend. Exzim.................... you can carry on dreaming about that and about not having to change nappiesMe I am going to dream about a bottle of 20 year old Irish!!!!
It's so awkward when you send a private message to the wrong person. Like the other day, I sent a message to my 14 year old cousin that said "Hey babe, thinking of you makes my dick so hard. Can't wait to feck you tonight!" Imagine if I'd sent that to the wrong person!
--
My girlfriend told me to see things from a girl's point of view... so I looked out the kitchen window.
--
Got kicked out of the local swimming pool yesterday. Apparently, tapping the NO BOMBING sign as a Muslim family walks past is deemed inappropriate these days.
--
Just rang the radio station to win a car, all I had to do was answer one question: "Name the race that stops the nation?" "That's easy" I said "Aborigines!" They hung up on me.
--
During a flood in a small town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy. As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past. Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back. They watched as it did this a number of times". Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again". "Oh it isn't that amazing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today".
--
After a severe drop in share prices, an investor calls his broker. "Is all my money really gone?" he asks nervously. "No" says the broker. "It's not gone. It just belongs to someone else now".
--
A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his engine started to cough and sputter and then died, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.
Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, in total disgust. As he looked at the engine by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.
Suddenly, through the shadows, came a deep voice "It's your fuel pump". The man jumped when he heard the voice, causing him to hit his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. As he looked out into the moon lit night, he saw two horses standing in the field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated "It's your fuel pump; tap it with your flashlight, and try it again".
Still dazed from bumping his head, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, and then got into the car, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and then sped away in his car.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable" the man said, as he started telling the rancher what had just happened to him down the road. The rancher took a sip of his beer, as he looked thoughtfully at the man. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied "Yes it was! Do you think I'm crazy?" "No, you aint crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher. "Because I happen to know the black horse down there don't know diddly about cars!"
--
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "Okay thank you" said the American.
He then travelled all across America, Europe, England, Japan, New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it.
The American decided to travel to Australia to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived at the Gold Coast, in Australia and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call'.
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered "You're in Australia now, son - so it's a local call".
--
An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree. His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male. The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
--
WALMART FACTS (I dont know if these are true but it does make interesting reading. When I first arrived in the USA Walmart was a small company run by Sam Walton that targeted small town rural America. Now they are astronomical. They also only bought and sold American products. No I dont think they sell very much American. But that is my POV - The Mullah)
-Americans spend $36,000,000 at Walmart every hour of every day. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!
-Walmart is the largest private employer in the world and the richest company in the world.
-5000 stores worldwide in 10 countries. 256 stores across Canada employing over 60,000 employees.
-Walmart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.
-Walmart's highest paid executive earns more money in one day than a Walmart cashier earns in 4 years.
-Walmart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.
-Walmart employs 1.6 million people and is the largest private employer and most can't speak English.
-Last year Walmart sold more bananas than any other item.
-Walmart is the largest company in the history of the world.
-Walmart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined, keep in mind they did this in only 15 years. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.
-Walmart now sells more food than any other store in the world.
-Walmart has approx. 3,900 stores in the US of which 1,906 are Super Centers. This is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.
-Walmart is the largest overall employer in the USA, and the biggest employer in 25 states.
-This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur At a Walmart store.
-90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Walmart.
-In 2000, Walmart was sued 4,851 times - about once every 2 hours.
-The value of product for Walmart passing through the port of San Diego each year is a larger sum than 93% of ALL countries Gross National Product (GNP)... and that is only ONE port... one way - that's how Walmart gets it's stuff.
-Of the 1.6 million employees, only 1.2% make a living above the poverty level.
-Walmart's head office is located and centralised in Bentonville. Due to this fact, there are more millionaires per square mile there than any place on Earth.
-5 of the richest 13 people in the world are members of the Walton family.
-28 hours a week is considered fulltime work at Walmart.
-The official US Government position is that Walmart's prices are no lower than anyone else's when compared to a typical families weekly purchases. That's the view of the statisticians at the Bureau Of Labor Statistics (BLS) responsible for calculating the Consumer Price Index (CPI).
-92% of everything Walmart sells comes from China. Another 4% comes from Chinese owned companies in the US or in third world Countries.
-2/3 of Walmart's workers cannot participate in its health insurance plan because of its high cost and huge deductibles.
-Walmart and MOST large companies, take out life insurance on its employees, without their knowing. If an employee dies, ALL the insurance moneys go to the companies. IE. An employee making $18,000 per year, dies, and the company might make as much as $1 million. Most often these moneys coming from what is commonly referred to as "Dead Peasant Life Insurance Policies" is paid out to executives as bonuses. A common practice, unknown by the average consumer.
-Walmart now averages a 'profit' (not sales) of $25 billion per year.
Reply With Quote
Originally Posted by Angelshark
smut to unearth the humour 
Bookmarks